Resolving Conflict

I have spent a great deal of my life resolving conflicts.

As a CEO, there seemed to be daily issues between staff members, board members, customer complaints, scheduling conflicts and the like.

In fact, as much as 25-50% of my day could be consumed by these conflicts.

Even once home, my daughter would scream her brother hit or hurt her up in the playroom. I would usually be so tired after work, I would just go up and yell at him to stop without knowing any of the facts. (I learned later although he was to blame most of the time, she was rather good at conning me some of the time).

Sometimes at work, the conflicts were clear; two individuals would explain to me their differences, and I had to decide which one was more logical or consistent with our strategic vision or our values.

I never enjoyed disappointing people or picking sides, so this was one of my least favorite parts of the job. I usually tried to look for a win-win but in retrospect, I am not sure that was always the right approach. I wish I were a little more courageous.

Sometimes the conflict and solution were more challenging to decipher. People did not always share their real agenda or reason for taking a specific stance. Sometimes, the stance seemed so illogical or out of character. In these instances, I had to figure out what going on underneath the situation. I had to understand “the why” behind this person’s position.

I really despised game-playing or corporate politics on my teams. I mean, I hated them! So much so, that I tended to replace leaders quickly if they were guilty of being non-team players.

But one of the mistakes I made early in my career was to be too literal. I learned some people, some very good people, disliked conflict so much so they would only tell me half the story and hope and pray that I was wise enough to fill in the blanks and to determine what was really happening. They may have been afraid or uncomfortable to share what they were seeing. They saw injustice but were too afraid to stand up. They were hoping I could see what they were seeing and right a wrong.

And people sometimes talked in code. It was up to us as leaders to cut through the noise, the distractions and struggles to understand what was really going on. We needed to execute to our goals and commitments. As a leader, I needed to take a step back and to discern what action if any I should take.

On the home front, this is a lesson I obviously did not learn until later in life. I met and started to date a young woman exclusively in my junior year of high school. Although my parents accepted her unconditionally, there were times where I could tell something just was “off” when I mentioned her name. There just did not seem to be the same encouragement or enthusiasm as there was for other “girls” from times prior or from other girls in my class.

One day, in my senior year, my Dad (a big, tough, Italian truck driver) came into my room. Now I knew something was up, as he never came to my room to talk. He asked me where I wanted to go to college. I mentioned I was leaning towards a specific college in NJ. He asked if that was where she was planning to attend as well? I replied, “Yes, it is”. Without missing a beat, he said, “If I were you, I would give Duquesne in Pittsburgh more thought.” And that was it. He turned and left. I sat there astonished. Why would he want me to go six hours away when I could be an hour away? Duquesne is so much more expensive. Why would he want me to go further into debt? What am I missing?

Years later, I figured it out. Dad wanted me to “enjoy the college life”. He wanted me to get to know and date others. (I later taught my kids that college was like a smorgasbord. You get to check out many possible companions and see what you like and dislike about them and yourself). In the end, Mom and Dad did not think my girlfriend and I were a good match, but they never came out and said those exact words. They wanted me to “fill in the blanks”.

As it turns out, they were so right. There were thousands of girls to meet and get to know on Duquesne's campus. And on top of that, my work-study job was the best-ever; I was one of just a few male “security guards” in an all-girls dorm!

I met and got to know many girls from all over the country and even from around the world. I got paid to it. (I would have paid the school to let me do it). Going to Duquesne and working in that dorm would be a life-long blessing to me. I will tell you why shortly.

The point of this leadership letter is: It is tough to be a mind reader. I fail at it a great deal. In fact, many business relationships fail because they expect the other person to be able to know what they are really saying or really feeling.

If you are a business leader, remember there is usually something going on underneath the surface. You may only be getting part of the story.

Personally, if you are in a relationship, try not to expect your partner to be a mind-reader.

Paul Harvey had a daily radio segment in which he presented some little known or forgotten facts about a subject and held back the name of a well-known person until the end. He then would release the name of this person and added a signature phrase. I so enjoyed listening to his radio show and guessing the end. Maybe you remember what he called that segment? Or his famous tag line?

Oh, and by the way, I met and married the love of my life at Duquesne almost forty years ago! I knew I wanted to from the first time she walked through the double doors and smiled at me. Thanks Dad!

And now you know the rest of the story….

Thanks for reading this.

With a goal to “help the next one in line”, Glen Cavallo, a 30+ year healthcare executive has chosen to share the many lessons he has learned with others. Glen does this by serving as a coach/advisor to leaders at all levels of organizations, as a board member and as he presents inspirational speeches at regional, national, annual and awards meetings.